Creating calm, consistency and emotional safety in a busy family
I came from a large family and I’m the youngest of seven children. My parents had their first child, my sister Liz in 1960, early in their marriage and when my mother was in her early twenties and they completed their family 17 years later, with my birth, in 1977.
In my brother’s words, delivered in Mum’s eulogy,
‘She had 5 children in 7 years and then, after an 8 year pause, another 2 in 3 years. I find it hard to get my head around this. Just to think, Mum’s youngest child left primary education 28 years after her first baby was born! A feat of physical and emotional endurance in itself.’
As a mother of just two children I, too, find it ‘hard to get my head around’ this feat of physical and emotional endurance. What I do recognise is something I have heard from other people with siblings — that all seven of us, despite having the same parents, all had different parents. Because two people who started their family in the early 60s, in their twenties, are going to be two totally different people 20 years on.
There are so many factors that change how we might parent an individual child, including:
The social, political and economic climate at the time
The age of your parents when you were born
The other things your parents were managing at the time
Your individual personality, strengths, needs and challenges
Which number child you were
Your parents’ beliefs and values at the time you were born
Whether you were born a boy or a girl
So despite all of our best efforts as parents (and how we thought we would be as parents), we will find ourselves working with our children in individual ways, and ‘trying to be fair’ probably isn’t going to be realistic.
What I have come to understand as a parent of two very different children, is that fairness isn’t sameness and as such, treating everyone in the same way is not always fair as we all have different starting points, needs and strengths.
The calm corner
My brother and I just found ourselves here, in a fully formed family. The “older five”, although still children, were ‘grown ups’ in my eyes, so at home, with the exception of my brother, I was surrounded by ‘big people’ and, with so many siblings, and such a busy house, there was - inevitably - going to be noise.
I do recall having my own calm space at home. This was in the corner of my parents’ bedroom with the morning light streaming in and the warmth of the morning sun, playing on the floor with my Fisher Price Little People. I remember Concorde flying over the house at 11am each morning when I was at home, which briefly took me away from the stories I was creating as I played there. It was its deafening sound I would hear first, and then I would always look out and up to see it passing overhead. I spent a lot of time in that space.
Looking back, I think I was probably seeking calm long before I had the language for it. I think it is what we all seek really, and in my role as a professional organiser and declutterer, one of my goals is always to help people find and/ or restore their calm. Allowing ourselves a calm environment is one thing that we can do for ourselves to feel calm.
Learning self-compassion is another thing. In terms of the way you speak to yourself, it probably won’t work if you tell yourself to ‘calm down’ (it never works being told to calm down does it? If anything it bristles and makes us more tense!). Instead, practise a self-compassion break, and replace the language, ‘calm down’ with compassion, breathe and say ‘I’m here’. In that moment, really try to be there for yourself, as a loving parent would be there for their child or you would be for a dear friend. For more information on learning techniques for self-compassion such as Kristin Neff’s self-compassion break, visit this link.
What consistency really means
As a parent myself, I've learnt that consistency isn't the same as being strict. It's about giving children emotional safety. Consistency means:
Consistent expectations
Emotional consistency
Audible consistency
Consistent routines
Consistently calm responses
These areas of consistency not only apply to our relationships as parents to our children, but can also be applied to our friends, pets, parents, siblings, co-workers and clients. This is the cornerstone for emotional safety, and is something I practise with my clients. This kind of safety means that we create a safe environment where others are free to make mistakes, and learn to fail. We can also, crucially, try to apply these areas of consistency to ourselves. Which takes me back again to practising self-compassion!
Where decluttering fits in
One thing I've learnt from working in homes is that calm is created, not necessarily from the things we buy to try and tame our clutter (i.e. more storage) but by reducing friction and creating comfort. Here are my top tips for creating calm in a busy family.
Individual hooks or baskets - usually by the door as a drop zone for your kids. If you can’t maintain individual hooks that’s ok - everyone’s coats are hung up in the hallway, and that’s ok too.
Named paperwork trays or ‘pigeon holes’. In my home we have named ‘pigeon holes’ where loose paperwork is placed to avoid it being strewn everywhere. Every so often the trays are cleared (see my September blog, Keeping on Top of Your Paperwork). This is the one we use HARVMATTA letter tray, anthracite - IKEA UK (I label each tray by name, ideal for a family of 4)
Visible family planner, with individual columns for each family member so everyone knows movement, appointments, after-school clubs etc. A large chalkboard does the job if you have the space. I was also recently introduced to a digital family calendar by one of my clients, which looks incredible.
A calm space - If you’re looking to provide emotional safety then this is a non-negotiable. It could be a wigwam, it could be a nook or a cosy room. This space is somewhere any member of the household can go to when they need time and space for calm and self-compassion.
Family connection night - Friday movie night started with us during COVID and has remained ever since. Card and board games night is also a fun option to reconnect and build relational currency with your kids.
Homework/body doubling - Have a homework time after dinner, where children can do homework together. Be available for them, or sit with them. Body doubling works wonders and homework becomes less of a chore.
Now it's your turn. Not to be perfect, not like everybody else - but to build homes where kindness, calm and consistency are what our children know and remember.
Ask everyone in your family to choose their three most important values. See where they overlap. Those shared values become your family's answer to one simple question:
“How do we do things here?”
If your home is feeling more chaotic than calm, and you’d like some compassionate help creating systems that work for your family, find out more about working with me.
